When I was a twentysomething whore...

Illusions

2012-01-15T00:48:00.000-08:00

Had a horrible week. Been very down as my new job didn't work out and I can tell S is stressed about work. Had a few arguments and last night he was meant to be going to a party and didnt want me to come which caused another one. I have been really low and to be honest could do with cheering up and it makes me very sad that he rarely includes me in anything he does with friends. I hate having to beg for his time or attention and usually I dont but I dont get what the problem is with me coming to some houseparty with him. I'm happy to go off and talk to people and dont need a babysitter. Just another case of his being completely and utterly selfish. His excuse was "I spent last night at home with you, I never go out anymore, I need some space (lies)." Like I should be grateful when he throws me a fucking bone. Yes it does upset me that the man I share a bed with, who I live with and who says he "cares deeply" about me acts like he doesnt want me around. I dont begrudge him having a night out with friends but he knows I've been a mess this week and I get sick of never doing anything together other than watching TV and eating. I would have loved to spend New Years Eve with him but didn't complain when he said he was going to a private party even though it hurt me.

He was so quick to say "maybe this isn't working" last night that it just makes me think maybe he really doesnt care that much. Maybe this is a waste of time and maybe he doesnt really want me at all. After the argument he went all quiet and then to top it off I accidentally split a cup of tea on him and he went crazy. I hate the fact that he hurts me all the time, he makes me feel like shit when he's dismissive, unattentive and rude to me and I SAY NOTHING because I know he doesn't mean to and that he is a good man, just caught up in his own life. I say nothing when he doesn't appreciate things I do and can only find fault with them. I say nothing but the minute he's upset about something I've done it becomes a huge issue. Maybe I have a thicker skin than him but I cant help but get annoyed when he says things like I am cramping his style, like I should feel privileged that he spends any time with me because I know there's nothing wrong with me. I know plenty of men who would love to be my boyfriend and treat me like a queen.

Went to bed early to "give him some space". Was asking him for some reassurance as I know myself and now I'll just be paranoid he's trying to find a way to get out of this, whatever it is. 99.9% of the time he makes me so happy that all the other shit doesn't matter and I dont want to throw away what is actually a very good relationship after a few bad weeks. We rarely argue, its just lately as I've been down and he's stressed.

Woke up today and went to cuddle him ans as usual he's rubbish first thing and just wants to sleep. Will see how he is today but I know I'll be able to tell if he doesnt want me anymore. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME that I choose these selfish unavailable men. What makes this doubly sad is that when we first met he wanted a relationship with me and I ended it twice. A lot has happened since then but if he cant just get over it and appreciate me then maybe we shouldnt be together.

I dont mean that but I wont be with someone who expects everything to revolve around them, its unfair and I wont put up with it. He is wonderful most of time and I rarely have to ask him for anything, I just wish he would wake up and see how lucky he is to have me and not treat me like I'm just in the way.

Fake facebook page

2011-12-30T16:21:00.000-08:00

Crunch time

2011-10-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

Space

2011-09-17T13:06:00.001-07:00

Dont know what's wrong with me but today I just wish I could climb out of my own skin and start again as someone else. On that note I feel I should list my good qualities, otherwise I may well go insane.

I am kind
I am helpful
People seem to like the way I look
Fairly good figure
Intelligent (although I have to say I do not feel it right now)
Loyal to a fault
Good in bed
I can cook

Overall I am really not that bad. Must try not to spend tomorrow in tears.

Must be kinder to self

2011-09-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

Must not sit and home beating self up. Foolish Monica.

Pain and suffering

2011-09-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm back here again. Feeling sore, stressed, anxious, tired and pissed off (largely with myself). I am at S's attempting to apply for jobs but getting to the point where I feel like saying fuck it - go to Devon, sort my head out and take some time off. I cant think straight and keep getting annoyed at myself as I know I can do better than this. I know that I need to get a job if I want to stay in London. I want to stay with S. So I must get a job. But every time I sit down in front of the laptop (which by the way is fucking painful) I get all scared. I keep reading through job descriptions and feeling inadequate. Yes life is hard and yes I should just "man up" (as S says) but it isn't that easy when you feel depressed. I always pitied those who gave in to depression and didn't fight it but I'm at the point where I just dont care any more.

I hate feeling like this. Stupid and slow and awkward. I dont want to let S or G down and most of all myself as I know I'll feel better about myself if I get a job and stay. But will things be better? What if I get a job, cant cope with it, fail and then feel worse?

On another note, S's party was interesting. It was good to see him enjoy himself but I found it hard as I was making a real effort not to follow him around and consequently ended up feeling shy and unable to talk to people. I couldn't stand seeing all these other women flirting with him. Made me so angry and I was scared of making an ass of myself so I left early. He brought people back home for a party at some point on Sunday and again I ended up feeling jealous. His bloody hairdresser is a gorgeous girl and she kept saying she would do a dance for him. Maybe she just has a flirtatious nature but it makes me wonder. Has he slept with many of his female friends? I know what I'm like so I suppose I presume he is the same. I probably just feel this way as I've lost some confidence in myself lately.

Better go have some lunch. Wish there was a confidence tablet I could take. Or a pill to make me happier, more productive and able to cope with life in general.

Wobble

2011-07-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

Need to get back on an even keel. Moods all over place but coming out of the downer I was on, little manic today after very little rest so maybe best i go back to bed. PLEASE let it work out. Hope I havent put S off forever. His loss but we are meant to be friends so I'd hope he could act like one. Back so sore but head much better.

I hate myself and I want to die

2011-07-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Last night

2011-06-18T13:02:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the last night I will spend in my flat. Feels very strange but at the same time I'm excited to be moving on. This week I came to the conclusion that I should move to Devon. It has been a month and despite trying my very hardest to find a job I haven't got anything concrete. Did an "assessment" day for Gogen (charity fundraising over the phone) and didn't get through, although to be honest the agency completely mislead me and I went to that day thinking I already had the job! Ah well, it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Slightly nervous as tomorrow I will be going to stay with Stuart for the week. I'm sure it will be fine but I doubt he will be happy about me moving. BUT I have made my mind up and I know ultimately he just wants me to be happy so I hope he will support me. I just want to enjoy this last week with him. My head really isn't on right today. Got home later than anticipated from a night out with R and despite getting a lot done today it was a bit of a struggle. Tomorrow can only be better.

Moving forward

2011-05-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

Lots has happened. Spent few weeks with the parents. Really wasn't myself for a lot of that, just drifted through each day and didn't say a lot. Finally started to come out of the daze I was in when we went to visit my sister and I realised that although moving to the West Country is a good option that I'd like to give London one last chance. Mum going crazy as she's already sorted my room and clearly wants me to live with her. Dont think she realises how hard she is to live with. A few days spent there makes me feel like I'm 14 again. I cant relax and be myself and I feel like she;s just trying to control me. Cant stand it and I wont have it at my age. I know she cares about me and just doesn't express it in the right way but I cant stand being bossed around and snapped at just because she's always stressed. I cant stand the idea of having no/little sex life and living somewhere so quiet. S was right. I should have spoken to my landlady after those few days with him and said I'd changed my mind. Finally came to the conclusion I should spent another month here earlier this week and when I told Mum she hit the roof.

Compromised by sticking to moving date but saying if I need more time here to jobhunt after I'll stay with S. Will do my best to find job and just ignore her attempts to emotionally blackmail me. If I can live somewhere cheaper here I may be fine as long as I have money coming in. If I dont find a job I am more than happy to move to the parents temporarily so I can save up and work out what to do next but it will be a big change and to be honest I dont want to give up so easily.

Off to hospital now for ultrasound, hope I dont have any more cysts in my ovaries. Trying to stay positive and calm, had huge row with Mum earlier. Only a few days to go anyway and I'll have some space.

Time for a change

2011-04-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

Just realised that the title of this blog is almost obsolete. I will be 30 next year and whilst still a whore I am out of the sex industry. For at least as long as it takes for me to find another job. Last Saturday I went to a party at a friends. Was pretty good fun but I was determined to go out and have a dance and headed to Slimes afterwards. Barely remember a thing but all I do know is I had maddy. Whoopsy daisy. Remember dancing like a mad thing with no shoes on. A bouncer came up and insisted I drunk water which confused me as I didn't think I was that wasted. Afterpartied and instantly regretted the drugs. Someone I slept with ages ago (nice enough guy but not to be trusted) kept paying me loads of attention but I stopped it at a kiss and left on Sunday afternoon. On the tube journey home I started to get all anxious and annoyed at myself so I went to S's. He dealt with it well but I felt awful for dumping myself on him. I mainly slept and the whole incident made me realise I should move away. I'm not going to look on it as running away as I have done my best here. Financially it would make no sense for me to stay and I cant handle the stress and pressure I am under. I've lost so much confidence in myself that this week I have barely left the house and keep getting wound up as I cant do anything.

A massive part of me was hoping that when I told S I was thinking of moving away it would force him to make more of a commitment to me, but I'm realistic enough to know that probably wont happen. I've been here before. I've invested time and emotion into men who either just dont feel the same way as I do or dont want the same things and I cant do it again. Have been in tears on and off all week as I'll miss so much about this city but my health is more important than anything and if I stay I really dont know how it will be possible for me to stop taking naughty chemicals. I dont consider myself an addict but I certainly like to have fun way too often.

This blog has ended up being so much more about my personal life than professional. Maybe I've been too honest and I'm sure people will judge me, but I cant be any other way. I have loved most of my career as a porn star but I know I am capable of so much more (no disrespect to anyone) and it isn't sustainable for me unless I up my levels. So I must move on. I am not running away, I am doing the sensible thing for once. Even though I dont feel it right now I know I am an intelligent talented girl and I must be capable of holding down a 'real world' job.

I am so scared of being lonely. I moved back to Southampton after uni because I thought I'd be best placed to be happy there and look what happened - I grew a bit too partial to the fast powder. I'm sure there will be some temptations in the West Country but I'm guessing less than here. I'll have to work at making friends there too, but maybe that's a good thing. I often dont make the effort with people enough. Mum says "there's more to life than partying" which of course I know is true, but I've spent so much time being unhappy that I'll admit I will usually choose whatever is the most fun.

Enough navel gazing. I have great friends who I can stay in contact with. My family may be annoying at times but I dont know what I would do without them. I'm nervous about losing my privacy but there are ways around that. At the moment my plan is to stay with the parents until I can save up enough money to move to Brighton. But we will see what happens. So wish me luck, dear reader (if there are any out there!). I'm going to try and keep this updated but it may prove difficult.

Breakdown

2011-04-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

Had a horrendous few weeks. Ran away to Mum and Dad's for a few days and allowed myself to get talked into moving there. Just been down, anxious and generally feeling like I'm going insane. S thinks its the drugs. Probably. I tend to think I'd be like that anyway. But I know they dont help (as The Verve said "they just make you worse"). Went over to see him last night. Felt like such a shit. Couldn't keep my mind on anything and barely spoke to him. Fuck knows what he thought. Sex was even an effort. He thinks I should have a sober month and then decide what to do. If I stay here I need to get a job. Spoke to a friend who said I shouldnt be so worried about money but it's horrible having what little I have all go on bills. I'm sick of struggling. Mum and Dad think I'll find it impossible to get a job here with my work record. Cheers for the encouragement! So basically I'm fucked. Wish I hadn't throw away that k now. Chucked it down the toilet as a symbolic gesture. Should have sold it but not sure who would want it.

On a more positive note S was lovely today although I feel he didn't know what to do with me. Let's just hope he thinks I'm having a bad time and allows for that. He said dont stay for him. I wouldn't be. I just want to be happy and I'm not sure I can be happy living at my parents, although it would be a sensible option.

What the hell is wrong with me?

2011-03-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

I'm looking at job descriptions, trying to find something worth applying for and all I've succeeded in doing is making myself feel like I'm good for nothing. I hate myself for feeling so pathetic but reading through person specifications is just terrifying me. I dont like the thought of being responsible for too much as I'm really not sure if I can cope with it. BUT this is not a good attitude to have as I actually do want to have some semblance of a normal career so I'm going to have to just get on with it.

I do know deep down that I'm not completely useless. If I were would I have had such a successful modelling career? Before that I did pretty well working at a newspaper in Swindon, so I know I can cope with a normal job. I just wish I felt a little more grounded and stable. Went to an information session to find out about jobs with the Olympics committee today and spent most of it feeling like I was about to burst into tears. Right - better get back to it.

Frustrations

2011-03-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

My back pain has returned with a vengeance. This time it's in prickly achy form. I suspect it's down to having spent a lot of the weekend home alone, although I did force myself to go for a walk both days. All across my hips and the base of my spine hurts, plus I'm getting pains down my legs. Really annoying and unpleasant.

On a more positive note I went over to see S last night. He was so sweet and attentive, just what I needed. He always amazes me, even when I can tell he's not feeling great himself he's determined to make me feel good.

Need to get away from computer, is really uncomfortable sitting here.

Temporary knockbacks and happiness

2011-03-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

Had interview yesterday. Wont go into detail about the job but it seemed like a good opportunity, despite the pay being less than I've been used to. Just had phone call to say I interviewed well (knew that already) but I didn't get through to the 2nd stage. Secretly a little relieved but it is frustrating as I had a good feeling about this one - was nice to think that maybe I'd be back in employment soon. It wasn't my ideal job though so maybe I'm being saved for better things. The company were ultra corporate and although I can fit in when I need to I'm not sure that environment really suits me - I'd spent my life pretending to be something I'm not.

Unexpectedly good night with S. I popped in to see his flatmate on my way back from the interview and thought it polite to let him know I was there. He said I may as well stay over although he was a bit distracted (sorting out bills etc.). Think I did pretty well at letting him get on with it though. He made a gorgeous dinner and surprised me by coming to bed soon after I did. I was tired and went into the bedroom quite early, thinking he would spend a bit of time getting jobs done but he followed me in soon after. Am pretty happy with how things are going right now but once in a while it really fucks with my head. We basically are in a relationship but I know it probably wont get any more serious that it is. Ultimately I do want to settle down (move in with someone and get married etc.) so why am I even bothering with a man who may not be able to give me those things? BUT he is so kind, caring and sweet to me I would be stupid to end it just for fear of what could happen in the future. Really cant think about this now. I am only 29 after all. If S at nearly 40 isn't concerned about all this why should I be?

Men are cocks

2011-03-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

Spied on G today out of boredom and discovered via the wonder of Facebook that he is "in an open relationship" with that wanker girl I thought he was messing round with. How very odd. E chucked her out for trying it on with her husband so I am curious what they think of that. GRRRRRRRRRR not that I wanted anything more than fun with him but why on earth didnt he just say to me what was happening. I would have had a lot more respect for him if he was at least halfway honest and didnt just act like a twat. Bad taste eh. Shows men really dont give a shit about personality or brains. I have both, maybe that's my problem!

Want to see S. He is the only man who actually seems worth my time right now. Had random encounter with guy at party Saturday. Just a bit of fun whilst I was fucked. Not full sex but I was a bitch - got up and left him on the sofa alone when he was done. Felt a bit rude but just wasnt up for more.

FUCK G. I wont.

It's back

2011-02-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

Been very anxious over the last few days. Not good. Cant stand it as every time I try to sit down and do anything important (sorting out finances, applying for jobs) I get all panicky, short of breath and wound up. Then I get annoyed with myself for feeling this way which just makes it worse. Started crying on the phone to Mum earlier. Hate this, hate being out of control and hate knowing I have to face my family tomorrow when I dont feel right.

I'm just hoping a good night's sleep and some time away will sort me out. Usually I can shake myself out of this state, is just scary and hard to explain.

The crash

2011-02-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

Felt quite flat today, physically and mentally. Had a wonderful night with S so I suppose it's inevitable that I'm going to feel a bit odd the day after. Words cannot describe how happy that man makes me. Couldn't switch my brain off when we went to bed so just didn't get enough sleep and have drifted through today.

Had a few lows but on the whole kind of felt nothing instead. Definitely no more meow for me, it's not worth the aggravation and extended recovery period. Got a few little jobs done today as I knew I'd feel worse if I just left everything. Brain feels mushy but I know thats just temporary.

LOADS to look forward to next week, top of my list being that S said he would take me out for a meal to celebrate my birthday! He seemed quite tired and a bit ill last night (dont like seeing him like that) but I guess that's the result of a week of drinking. Think he appreciated the cookies I brought him though. I know he did. Took care of him as much as he would let me, is always weird when it's that way round but he does deserve it.

Crazy times

2011-02-19T23:01:00.000-08:00

Friday night was very strange indeed. Went to the gig, G was initially friendly but then a bit standoffish when I tried to kiss him. When I asked him to explain why he just said "I cant, OK?" and didn't offer any further information. It's infuriating but he's not worth me getting upset over. Noticed the bimbo hovering round him plus he arrived with someone's lipstick mark on his face so something must have been going on. I turned up VERY drunk but the final straw was when I walked into the Green Room only to have that silly cow tell me (LOUDLY, I might add) to "shut the door, we're doing class A drugs in here!" The "we" was her and G. I had only gone in to get my coat so I could nip outside for a fag but after that I decided to just leave. I wasn't in the mood to spend all night feeling on the outside and he's not important enough to me for me to make some sort of scene over. I think what bothered me so much was just his lack of respect for my feelings considering we are meant to be friends. I know I didn't want G as anything more than fun but he could have just been honest with me if he didnt want to carry on with that, for whatever reason.

I literally made a split second decision to just go and walked out, not saying goodbye to anyone. Felt bad afterwards as I had also gone out to celebrate E's birthday and I knew she would wonder where I had gone. Phoned K as I had been invited to a party in South London and thought it seemed a waste to just go home when it was so near to where I was. She said to come and I'm so glad I did. It was at S's house and she is a really nice girl.

I must have been pretty wasted when I turned up as I somehow ended up doing meow. It seemed like the practical drug of choice seeing as I had no cash and was already drunk so more alcohol would have just sent me to sleep, and it looked like everyone else was planning to stay up all night. Had a brilliant time but I am paying for it now. There is something seriously bad in that stuff as I'm having the same after effects I have had every other time - insomnia, temperature, headaches and generally feeling awful. Some of that will be down to missing a night's sleep but the rest has got to be the meow. Sampled a rather large line of some new variant on it which nearly made me throw up straight away.

On the up side I caught up with an old friend and got reminded how fun it was to hang out with her occasionally, even if she can be fickle. I sensibly sobered up for the last few hours before leaving around midday Saturday. It took me 2 hours to get back! Today will be spent recuperating at home, I'm seeing S tomorrow and want to be as fresh as possible. Didn't sleep much last night but will try and get more later as I suspect I'll get a sudden emotional crash at some point if I dont.

I really must not do meow again. I am technically a grown up and if I'm going to take illegal substances I should take the ones which have the best effect and the least negative consequences. Had an interview earlier this week about a very good job and I'm hoping to get put forward for a 2nd one, so I cant be doing this shit if I want to make a success of it.

Honesty

2011-02-18T07:36:00.000-08:00

I suspect G is sleeping with some dim bitch. They keep commenting on each other Facebook. If it wasn't her it would bother me less but it's so disappointing. Asked him and he said so what if he is, which isn't promising. I will not go anywhere near him if he is. Wish he had been upfront about it. Tempted to stay in but why should I ruin my night.

S being lovely at the mo, really great.

Sick of myself

2011-01-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

I truly am this week. Spent a lot of time home alone which was getting to me so I invited a friend over for dinner. Had a lovely night up until the point where she offered to get me some K. Usually I enjoy it. Usually I love being taken away from it all. But I cant have been in the right state of mind last night as I was forced to deal with new people who weren't on it, making me go all quiet and introverted. Just felt strange and disconnected and it wasn't the right time for me to be like that. Barely slept and now I'm just dozy and out of it, really pissed off with myself. I just wish my life could be different. It seems like I'm not really getting anywhere and no matter what I try I still end up here, by myself, not really moving forward or progressing.

Getting that job at the fashion school meant something to me. It was a chance to actually feel I was getting somewhere career wise. But no, that didn't work out. I know I'm just having a bad day and I haven't felt particularly good ever since the operation as it's forced me to slow down and taken the wind out of me somewhat. Just wish I could snap out of this malaise thats been gradually creeping over me for the last week. All I really want to do is hide away from the world but that's probably the worst thing I could do. I dont know.

One positive thing that came out of last night - one of K's friends seems to quite me. I'm not interested in the slightest but it's encouraging to know that even when I feel like I'm falling apart it isn't obvious to everyone else and apparently I'm still attractive.

Gig

2011-01-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

Just what I needed. Am quite tired today but it was worth it, had lovely night and everyone was being sweet about my op. Missing S. Texted him twice and gotten no response which I know doesn't mean anything - he's just busy - but I cant help but get annoyed about it. I always hear from him in the end but in the meantime it's not making me feel very important. Ah well, G went well out of his way for me last night which was much appreciated, he is a sweetheart. Met the girlfriend which was hilarious - boring bitch.

Operations, temporary insanity and too many thoughts

2011-01-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

Lots to report. I had an operation a few days ago. Mum came to stay for the duration (prior and post-op) which was helpful. Feeling quite sore as I have stitches and am still swollen but every day I'm a bit better and if removing a cyst from my ovary is what it takes to stop my back hurting it will all be worth it soon. Went to see S last night - think me having to go to hospital freaked him out a bit. Not sure what that says but he was so sweet - cooked me a special meal, tried to take my mind off things. He seemed to be keeping his distance a bit but I'm guessing he was scared of hurting me - I cant have sex for another week or so which is annoying. Did lots of cuddling though and he snuggled up to me in bed as usual. Think he's a bit squeamish too as he didnt want to see my stitches.

I suspect the general anaesthetic and my lack of sleep this week is having an effect on my mind. Suddenly got all anxious and depressed today (like a comedown) and am still feeling a bit odd. Head too full of thoughts to relax although I've tried to do all the right things tonight (camomile tea, chillout music on, early night). Really need to get some rest as I'd like to go out for a bit tomorrow night and there's no chance if my body feels like it does now.

Meant to be going to G's gig - just an excuse for me to get dressed up and take my mind off feeling rough to be honest. Will just see what happens with him. Will be weird. I cant drink, do anything else or fuck so will be good test to see if we get on under those conditions. I got a pleasant surprise on the day of the op. Woke up to find 2 texts from him. One asking how I am and another 2 hours later with a sad face that I hadnt replied. I was touched after the mess that was Friday. The S situation doing my head in so why shouldn't I pursue other options? If S wanted me to all to himself, properly, he could have me but he's too bloody scared to risk it again so I'm not going to spend my life waiting around for him. He knows how I feel. He knows what I want. I've been horribly hurt in the past but I am willing to try again as I dont want to be alone forever, wish he could be brave enough to do it too.

Better try and sleep again. Farewell and goodnight.

New Year

2011-01-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve was great. Slimes not the best so I went to E's and saw G. It was great, felt so comfortable and happy there, like I was part of a family. He was pleased to see me and said "I could fuck you all the time." I do like him but I have been with so many men who I have to motivate and push and I dont want to be with someone like that any more. He is sweet and caring but I know his lack of drive would get on my nerves. It's such a shame. Stayed at his till Sunday and even turned S down when he wanted me to go over on Saturday. I dont feel bad any more. Spoke to S about our situation and he said he wont risk being with me as he doesn't think it could ever work. I dont want someone who is scared and wont even try. Plus when I got upset he was very quick to say let's stop seeing eachother. I dont want a man who will just give up and let me go despite the fact I know he cares about me. I've even told him I love him and he just doesn't say anything. I give up. This year I really need to spend more time looking for someone who wants the same things as me.

Attention

2010-12-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am hard work. According to my dad,. FUCK YOU. How would you know? Hate people being insensitive. I have as much right as the next person to be listened to. Just cos all my mum and sister want to talk about is babies does not mean they need to make me feel like shit and be rude to me. Does anyone give a shit that I am a consistently good sister and daughter? No. J seems to be favoured now cos she is pregnant. So what? i could have done that years ago. Not for me.

On a positive note S being wonderful. So sweet and attentive, I even got a few texts today, unusual for him. Maybe he is missing me. Almost makes me feel bad about G. Hope NYE lives up to my expectations.

Recent events

2010-12-15T21:12:00.000-08:00

OMG. I have a friend called G who is in a v close mate's band. We've always got on v well and a while ago ended up in bed together after a party. Was great but I did know he had a gfriend (some munter from his work he isn't that bothered about) at the time. Since then every time we see each other the same thing happens. Friday night it happened. Spent Saturday with him and then left Sunday. Tues night I went to his gig even though I just had a tooth removed and was in pain, figured better to be around friends than at home alone miserable. He's v sweet, said I still look great and was all over me. When we left I was going to head home having walked to the tube with him, but he invited me back to his friends birthday party. It all happened there. Got to his and he's all embarassed as his room STINKS and is a mess. Had great night again, then he leaves for work saying "stay as long as you like" plus puts water on so I can have bath when I get up. I do my usual trick of leaving ASAP. R (his housemate) invites me over again that night but I dont go as my face is huge and I'm exhausted. G posts jokey comment on my Fbook but doesnt text or call me. Its too confusing. He's such a nice guy but really a big kid and I cant start anything with him when things are so good with S. I dont feel bad about the sex as S always says I can do what I like, but the hanging out with G is fun too. This doesnt happen to me every day. PLUS we are friends and he certainly has never treated me like a slut, often gives me fags buys drinks, generally is nice to me for no reason.

WHY does this happen now? S has been so great lately and if he could give me more of his time I would have no worries about being with him and only him. But that wont happen. Gonna just wait and see what G does. So frustrating but I wont chase him, not worth me getting hurt and to be honest we obviously both like eachother.

In other news most of my female friends have been a bit lame lately. Just selfish and self involved. 2011 will be better.

Jobless

2010-12-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

Last week I lost my job. The boss said she wanted to see me first thing Thursday morning, and I thought the worst as I always do. Went to S's that night and was wracking my brains for anything I had done wrong but couldn't come up with anything. Joked to him that she may fire me. Went in and was told I failed my probation as they didnt think I could cope with the job. Was shocked. I'm trying not to take it too personally. So frustrating having spent most of this year unemployed to now be back to square one.

Bit bored to be honest. Partied too much last weekend and had a vicious cold that has only just gone. Low on cash and everyone seems to be busy so am spending this one at home alone which always makes me feel a bit down. Next Friday I've got a gig to go to though which I'm looking forward to.

Flatline

2010-11-16T15:17:00.000-08:00

Need support from somewhere. I do my best all the fucking time and what do I get? Nothing. Nothing at all. The beginnings of a cold, bitchy comments and nothing when I need it. S cares I know he does. He must. Why else would he still be around? Need rest and a new morning.

Ups and downs

2010-11-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

Low week after fabulous time last Saturday night. Bumped into J, a friend I occasionally sleep with. Went back to his with D who I had taken to Slimes for the first time. Was quite happy just partying but he begged me to stay after she went home and of course we fucked. It was amazing, so different from S as he is dirty (and I mean, FILTHY. Anal filthy. Slapping me filthy. Just what I like.) and likes to be rough. Needed that. Totally happy with S but it was lovely to have someone so different all over me. I kept trying to leave and he didnt want me to. Slept for a few hours and then got taxi home although I did enjoy the snuggling up in bed. Exchanged a few texts and he did say I'm always welcome to come see him so you never know.

Up again after a few days in Brighton. Need to get a grip at work. Cant cope with feeling anxious and low all the time, and I'm sure taking stuff last Saturday didnt help so I must be better at resisting at least for a while.

Miss modelling

2010-10-24T07:24:00.001-07:00

http://www.bizarremag.com/front_website/gallery.php?id=17342

I have the touch

2010-10-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

Only wanting contact. Today I got it. Not from S. Will leave him till Weds then remind him to call. Which I shouldn't have to do but apparently he's way too busy to think about what would make me happy. Horrendous day at work made better by an unexpected text from G. Said I should have gone round after the party on Saturday and kept him company!!!!!! I did consider calling in after leaving the Aussie guy's but didnt want to wake anyone up and neither he or R answered their phones so thought best not. Ah well, G's room is a tip so if I have the choice I'd rather have him over to mine. Said it would be good to see him soon so will wait and hopefully set something up for this week.

Wish I could get S off my mind. I'm fine when I'm busy but the minute I stop it gets to me. Maybe I should just give up. He's a lovely person but just too wrapped up in his own world most of the time. As it stands I like having him there once in a while and also doing my own thing, but it bothers me that I seem so unimportant to him. I dont want someone who is on my back every day but I just want to feel like I'm wanted, not like he can take or leave me and I may as well be anyone. It fucks me off that I'm feeling like this and he has no idea. But now he does and it hasnt changed anything. Suspect he's hoping I'll just go away if he's shit enough to me, although not even sure he cares that much. It probably doesnt even occur to him that he should check in with me once in a while. Makes me want to be a complete bitch and tell him everything I get up to, just to see his reaction, but I wont win as then he wont realise that I could stop it all if I thought he was worth committing myself to.

Need to focus more on myself. What I want, what makes me happy. Today I was in so much pain with my back and work was a struggle, although I am getting on fine I think.

Tomorrow will be better. I am good enough. Good enough for what I dont know. This is why I wanted to stay clean for a while. Friday was amazing but now I've crashed it makes life hard. But no doubt I'll be up again soon. Bed.

Wanted

2010-10-17T13:39:00.001-07:00

Friday night was amazing. Went to a gig and got chatting to an Australian guy I met a few months ago (friend of a friend). Afterwards I went to a party and on the way nipped to the shops to get provisions. I later found out that he tried ringing my phone to check I was on my way!!!! Sat next to him and just didnt stop talking. Yes we were wasted but it was good to meet someone new. Not my usual type in any way but very nice nonetheless. REALLY tall, sexy accent. Afterwards I went back with him and his flatmate. Last time we met he was with his girlfriend but she lives abroad so I presumed they had some sort of arrangement where they can play away, but I'm guessing not as after having a kiss he got all guilty so we just hugged and chatted. Was all excited so eventually left when I realised neither sex or sleep was about to happen, but it was just so lovely to get to know him, gave me hope that I can attract a decent man, even if it doesn't go anywhere. I love having those wonderful one off nights with people, so much better to have one good memory than it starting off great and gradually deteriorating. R (the Aussie) must have liked me as he doesn't strike me as the cheating type and he was pretty respectful. At the party people kept thinking we were together so we were joking around saying we were married!!!

Saw G again at gig and party, had a good chat. He's such a sweetie, would love another go on him but I wont chase, just see what happens when I bump into him again. Briefly kissed before I left with R. He said I looked good in my new dress and that he had a great time with when we fucked. Last night went to see S and D, hung out and I think they were hoping for naughtiness but I wasnt in the mood after barely any sleep and too much partying the night before.

Very achy but so glad I went to the gig Friday night, really needed the ego boost and had such an unexpectedly fun time. Dount anything else will happen with R but you never know. I was shocked he didnt just think "fuck it" and sleep with me, but that kind of makes me have more respect for him and its flattering that he was just enjoying spending time with me. I had to get up and leave though, no point staying at his yesterday. Doped up on codeine now so I think I'll get ready for bed and float away.......

New start

2010-10-10T01:57:00.000-07:00

It's official. I am back in the real world. Work going well. Partied a little last night which was well deserved but in some ways I now know I dont want my life to be like that all the time any more. I need more. Wednesday night I finally managed to speak to S properly. Told him I'd like him to be with me properly again. We had the best night and morning I have had for a long time and he said we would discuss it this week. So I've been waiting. And waiting. And trying to fool myself into thinking that maybe he genuinely does need time to think. But I know what he will say. And I dont want to hear it. I dont need to have it re-iterated that I am not the kind of girl who ANYONE wants to have as a girlfriend. But that's why I asked him. If that is the case I need to know. Because I know I like him, and if he doesn't feel anything for me then I'd rather just forget him and move on. I'm sick of wasting time and I'm sick of being with people who dont see me as important. And I cant risk being crushed again like I was with C.

Happy memories

2010-09-20T12:59:00.001-07:00

http://www.mystockingtube.com/video/2593.html

Interview day

2010-09-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

Oh dear god. Had interview for an amazing job today and due to my fucked up sleeping patterns, bad back and general lethargy right now I do not feel it went as well as it could have. Fucking anxiety. Fucking fear. I want to be myself at my best and for whatever reason that isn't happening right now. Nothing I can do to affect the outcome now other than hope and pray I did a good enough job of convincing the lady I saw that I am more capable than I feel. I think I've just lost a lot of confidence this year and the thought of going back to a 'normal' job is a bit scary. I know I am good at more than just sex. I tried so hard to do this well. I knew I'd be stressed and wind myself up over it so I prepared well and even gave myself time to relax before leaving for the interview but I just clammed up and kept agreeing with everything she said during it. Spent the whole tube journey home trying not to cry. I can do this. I know I'm just scared because I've had so many jobs where it hasn't worked out, not because of lack of effort but for many reasons. I cant face the thought of fucking up a good opportunity and ending up feeling worse than I already do. My life isn't awful but I get sick of plugging away and not getting anywhere, which is how it has seemed lately.

I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow and feel a lot better. I know I will. I also know that in reality the interview probably didnt actually go that bad, it's just how I feel that's clouding my view of it. The only way is up.

Wish I wasnt

2010-09-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Really wish I wasn't. Because it gets in the way. Because it means you are on my mind. Because it makes me mad. Because it makes me sad. Makes me do odd things. Makes me forget myself.

And (it's sad to say) I will probably be here much longer than you are. So I must put myself first. Even though it's not what comes naturally sometimes I must do so.

Wish you were.

Stable

2010-09-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

Feeling much more positive than last time I posted after a quietish week. Not sure I have entirely enjoyed spending the weekend at home mainly alone (other than my ex S coming over Friday night) but I've got a few bits done and I've appreciated having my place to myself after workmen being in my garden all week. Am hoping to see S later but he was a little non-committal when we spoke on Thursday. More often than not he's like that and we end up spending time together anyway, it just frustrates me when I cant make any plans. I'll give it a few more hours and then give him a nudge, see if he can let me know either way. Even though I only left his Monday morning it seems like a long time since we have seen eachother, not sure why that is.

In other news I've had a few good things happen on the job front. Last week I had an interview for an amazing PA job that I would love, and this week had one for a sales job I definitely do not want. Went in with an open mind thinking it could be fine for a while but it looked truly awful and the pay was dreadful too. On Friday I registered at an agency who have put me forward for a receptionist's job at a fashion school. Sounds perfect for me, I just hope I get an interview!

PPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNN

2010-08-31T09:49:00.001-07:00

Head fucked, body worse. Must do better. I am more than capable most of the time, everything just feels hard right now. Concentration is shot and all I want to do is sleep. Sex was an effort last night which is very odd for me. Tomorrow will be better, it has to be. I have so much I want to do but all I want is to feel numb right now. Fucking hate being like this in front of anyone but I cant just hide away or it will get worse. Must get out of own head, not with chemicals though. Drink making me weepy too.

This is frightening me because it reminds me of when everything got fucked up years ago. That wasn't even down to self abuse, just me being unable to cope. Just keep swimming....

History repeating

2010-08-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Just had an epiphany, although over the weekend I consumed acid, ecstacy and a blue pill that could have been E or Viagra so it could just be that my mind is out of whack and what think/feel is a result of that. Anyway - S is just like C. This whole fucking situation is the same. Although its not. The other day the way S looked at me when I was trying to sleep at his made me think maybe he does care. He's away this weekend and yesterday I was stressing about when we would get to see eachother again, so he said I could pop round last night. I hate feeling like a pain, like he's just given in cos I've nagged him, but I'm glad I went. Just watched TV whilst he fiddled around tidying, then went to bed and he joined me soon after. Had a nice cuddle and then this morning he was all over me. It feels different. Feels like it was with C. I cant pinpoint when it happened but it feels like more.

I'm so bloody scared of this. What am I meant to do? Tempted to try and talk to him when I see him next but I do know there is no way we can have a normal relationship unless he is prepared to make more effort, and it hasn't happened yet so I doubt he will ever be able to.

To be honest S is better than C. He's not cold and I know he's not a liar. I have made it so clear to him I dont want him to be with anyone else and he seems to think I am too free spirited to just be with one person, like he's doing me a favour by giving me the freedom to do so. He doesn't realise I would be happy to give that up if I felt he could give me everything I need, in all senses of the word. This is such a headfuck.

Glad I'm going away this weekend. Dont want to think that its his birthday and what he could be up to. My life is good. My life was fine before this started up again. If it all ends tomorrow I would survive like I always have before.

Why cant I be you?

2010-08-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

Run around in circles till I run out of breath. S been so wonderful lately and then today I asked if he would be free tomorrow. That was at 2pm and he's still at work, no reply as of yet. Ah well. Worth a try. Got a mate coming over soon for dinner then maybe another man later although it feels weird thinking of sex with someone else. Strange and I'm just horny cos I got a wax earlier.

Recovery

2010-08-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Mental few days and nights. Need a break from partying so will probs visit the parents next weekend. It's not good for me. Off to S's shortly as cant face being alone and ill for any longer.

FU

2010-08-22T03:59:00.001-07:00

CK Overdid it and am now so ill. Roll on 6pm.

Crashing

2010-08-17T08:36:00.001-07:00

Just when I thought I'd had a lovely few days I'm brought back down to earth. S busy till next week. This is why I cant ever be in a proper relationship with him. I need to feel that my man is willing to make time for me or just that he cares whether we spend time together or not. I know he genuinely is busy but if he just said "miss you" or something it would make it easier.

I think I may have to start fucking J again just in case.

Bitter

2010-08-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

Quite worried I have become bitter. Whenever I hear about other people having relationships I get pissed off. Lovely weekend though. S texted me saying if i wanted to come over after Slimes I was welcome, nice surprise. I stayed till Monday morning. Cant think of anything else I'd rather be doing. He was being very sweet, said I looked pretty first thing with no make up on.

Poem

2010-08-11T06:05:00.000-07:00

Me and you
You and me
I'm not sure what I want us to be
You say you don't want to stop my fun
But for me you are the only one
If you could give me what I need
I'd sacrifice my desire to be free
What holds you back?
Why cant you see?
That I need you inside of me.

Wish I didn't

2010-08-11T01:36:00.001-07:00

I do. Monday night was great but every time I see him I feel it and it kills me as I dont know what to do. Cant tell him. Cant really tell anyone or do much unless I am 100% sure I will get a good outcome and right now I doubt that. Dont want to lose him either so I'm stuck.

It's not yours....fuck you

2010-08-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

Much happier after a few days of looking after myself. Same niggles about S pissing me off though. Silly really - was trying to wait for him to get in touch but texted about 5 and a half hours ago and STILL not got a reply. Frustrating and doesn't exactly make me feel wanted.

Aftermath

2010-08-02T07:05:00.001-07:00

It's been so long since I did acid I kind of forgot what to expect afterwards. I dont usually get that emotional but I recent events have knocked me and today I have been crying a lot. Concentration not good either, in general I feel a little flat and spaced out. Yesterday was totally worth it though. Went to S's in evening which was just what I needed - had a nice cuddle and just watched TV. I slept like a log and left happy. As much as I can see this situation ending badly I cant bring myself to end it without a good reason. He's so sweet and caring.

Getting coil taken out in a bit. Am hoping that its removal relieves a lot of things - back pain, possibly the cyst in my ovaries and it is possible that I'll feel less depressed without the unnecessary hormones in my body. We will see. Reminding myself of these reasons for taking it out as I am not relishing the thought of having periods again, but we cant have it all.

R texted yesterday with some shit about how she will always be there for me if I need her. I cant bring myself to reply. After the way she has acted lately I have my doubts about her and if we are ever going to be friends (in any way) again it isn't going to happen overnight. Am hoping when I get back from Brighton I'll get to see A as I would like to confront him over what he has said about me. I dont think people realise that I'm finding it hard without a job and I dont actually feel that great a lot of the time anyway. The last thing I need is people I thought I could trust criticising me.

Tonight I shall cook a nice meal, chill in front of TV and possibly attempt some progressive relaxation. Lack of sleep since Friday and the acid have made me a little anxious and I'm hoping that a relatively early night combined with a swim tomorrow will sort me out.

Want to be near you always

2010-08-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

Nothing from R. No idea what to do or how to feel. Acid earlier was magical, needed the escape. Hope I get to see S later on, bit fragile now.

Truth

2010-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

Had lovely night with K although she drunkenly revealed that A (who I thought was a pretty good friend) has been mouthing off about me. It seems to be the week for it. Apparently I'm "not the sharpest tool in the box" I always knew he disapproved of my job but I didn't realise he actually thought I'm some unambitious dimwit. Quite hurt and surprised, although he does bitch about everyone. Not exactly what I need after R telling me "we need some time apart" though. I think I'll just try and speak to A when I see him and make him aware that it's just not on talking about me like that, and if he genuinely does think that then why on earth are we "friends"?

The whole S situation feels like deja vu. Had K last night saying that I should forget it as I am wasting my time, just like people used to say about C all those years ago. I'm not ready to let go of anything that makes me happy, especially right at the moment. I've been here before and survived, and it may seem reckless but I see no reason to end it unless something changes. Anyway, I know whats right for me.

Staying on the booze tonight and nothing else. Dont think my brain can cope with it.

Do not want this

2010-07-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

R having fit over something I dont understand. Seems to be another case of a girl getting threatened by me. It's not my fault if men like me. I get sick of getting shit because of jealousy and stuff that is out of my control. And I am very sick of people I thought were friends turning on me when all I have ever done is be good to them. If I have accidentally hurt them I think I deserve an explanation. Now she's saying she doesn't want to live with the worry I may go after one of her men. WHAT???? Think she's just having a bad day. Will back off and hope she comes to her senses. Women are mad.

Less pain, more strain

2010-07-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

R let me off going to chav city Friday night. It did sting a bit when she said "dont want you being grumpy at being there." Cheers mate. Dont take into account that until this morning I was in excrutiating pain and hadn't had a proper nights sleep since last Thurs. No. I'm not allowed to be less than sweetness and light. Jesus at least I am honest. I'm much better off saving myself for Saturday so we can have a great time in Soho rather than being knackered and hungover from Friday and me wasting money at a place I dont rate. I cant go too crazy this weekend though, what with back pain and an infected wisdom tooth (sexy, eh?) to deal with, would be foolish to keep battering immune system especially as I'll be seeing the parents soonish. I've just suffered a few come out the other side of 2 weeks packed with moodswings and low moments so I need to be relatively sensible.

In other news, cracked when it came to S. Swore to myself I was going to wait for him to get in touch, but couldn't resist asking if he fancies hanging out Fri night. She who dares and everything. No answer as of yet. Ah well, it's done now. See what happens.

Meeting up with P tomorrow who was the best mate of M (boyfriend who died that I lived with before moving here). It's going to be so weird. My life with M seems light years away and I know we are going to have to talk about him. It's taken a few months since his death for it really to sink and for me to be able to think about it all. But it's important I do, I think. It struck me last night that my old counsellor may have been onto something when he said I block stuff out/hide it and bury it to avoid feeling. What am I so scared of?

Word vomit

2010-07-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Been desperate to blog properly for the past few days but haven't really had time or been in the right frame of mind to sit down and write. Where to start? Went to a fantastic BBQ Saturday, caught up with old friends and took another Modafinil (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modafinil) as my original plan was to club after BBQ so I thought it would make sense to take something that enabled me to be awake for longer. After lots of vodka and some meat I heard from S who asked if I'd like to come over. Of course I said yes - figured I'm much better off spending a whole night with someone I love being with rather than risking a crappy night at Slimes. Got to his, fucked on living room floor, watched TV and had dinner. I felt physically tired due to not enough sleep Friday night so suggested we went to bed, completely forgetting what I had taken only 8 hours earlier.

S dropped off after the obligatory amazing sex and I spent all night awake. Not in a frantic, panicky, overstimulated way that uppers can make you, but I just couldn't switch my mind off. Started getting mood swings due to overthinking and lack of sleep so I'm really glad I was with S, always feel safe there and he's easy to be with. Was exceptionally horny all night too so felt like a bit of a sex pest, although I think S enjoyed it anyway (did things we hadn't done before, too private to put on here). Sunday I had planned to leave as he wanted to watch Grand Prix, but by that time started to feel physically and mentally drained so stayed until it was over. Actually quite interesting (he explained what was going on). Dont think he minded too much and I made a point of doing his washing up and going to the shop for him. Got v tempted to tell him what a headfuck the situation with him is but if I do it it cant be on a day when I'm not on an even keel.

So, the moral of the story? Modafinil can be great when used correctly, just need to be aware of its effects and make the most of them. I had a wicked time with S regardless though. Little bit irritated with R today. I get the impression her priorities at the moment are having fun with lots of different men, which is fair enough, but I dont like being sidelined for pathetic twats she isn't that bothered about anyway. I am a good friend and a nice, honest sweet person and in my 28 years I have definitely learn to put friends over men in most cases. But thinking back to when I was her age I probably did things the other way around so I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on her. Hope this blows over, would just be nice to hang out. Not worth me telling her how I feel, I'll only end up exploding so am just gonna wait till she starts acting normal again.

New drug

2010-07-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

Had modafnil tonight. feel very awake. Horny too. Wish I had someone here. S doesn't care. Going out tomorrow night. Must not make self feel worse over V. Must move on.

Down

2010-07-20T13:13:00.001-07:00

Not feeling good today. The disappointment with V is getting to me, probably got a bit of a comedown too. I know I shouldn't care too much about a man I barely know, and I'm sure he does fancy me but I kind of got excited as I dont often meet new men I'm interested in. I wont see S for a while, apparently he's busy this week. I wish he would just act like he wants to see me. Get fed up of being the one to always arrange things.

Why?

2010-07-19T02:11:00.000-07:00

V is GAY. Gay? He didn't seem gay when he was dancing and kissing me. So confused although it makes it easier if nothing comes of this I suppose. Saturday we spent most of the night together again. He's so sweet. This is typical of me. It cant be simple.

Tonight

2010-07-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

I will be mortified if I see V and he definitely doesnt like me. Must try not to chase him around. If S turns up it will be funny. Feel quite good, just hope I have a fun night.

Smack my bitch up

2010-07-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

V so not into me. If I see him this weekend I'll do my best but i doubt he's interested. Shame. I am such an addict. Give me love love love me me me.

Hopeless

2010-07-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

In Brighton which is good although I have a horrible feeling it may have been better for me to go to Slimes tonight. V clearly isn't bothered, unless (and I'm hoping this is the reason he hasn't been in touch) maybe he never got my message. It's depressing and quite frankly I wish we had never met. I got my hopes up and now I just feel shit. I know I may not be to everyone's taste but usually I dont have a problem getting a man interested. Sod's law that the only man I have met in ages who I fancy the arse off couldn't care less about me. Next week if I see him I dont know what to do. Keep having these mad fantasies about what would happen if he did like me. Silly.

Tonight should be fun though. Going to a party. Doubt I'll meet anyone exciting but at least it gives me a chance to get drunk. lately I've been spending as little time sober as possible. Life is easier to deal with through a haze or drugs/alcohol. Bit disappointed couldn't get K but not a huge problem.

This feels like torture

2010-07-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

Bloody men. Bloody V not responded to my message. What is his problem? Cant work it out. I'm damned if I'm going to make even more of an ass of myself over a man who quite clearly has too much time on his hands if all he does on Facebook is play some lame game. So annoyed though as I know when I see him I'll want him. The man is sex personified.

Nothing = nothing

2010-07-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

V didn't respond to my message despite having been online playing some stupid game. Not sure I'm interested in a 30 something man who does nothing but play Vampire on Facebook. Am annoyed though as I cant fathom why he wouldn't be interested. It's so rare I meet someone I not only fancy but who seems genuinely nice that I really dont want to get nowhere. What do I do when I see him at Slimes? I refuse to make even more of an ass of myself if he really isn't into me but I know I wont be able to resist asking him what's going on.

Relief

2010-07-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

The man added me. But now I've gotten even more excited as he looks so fucking hot and cute in his photos. Grrrrr. Messaged him with my number asking about going for drink. Dont ask dont get. Will have to try not to get too upset if he isn't bothered. I have S and apparently now J again although to be honest could not wait to get rid of him today. Too young. It's too easy with him. I really could do with someone new. S will only end up hurting me and it's going nowhere. I have a horrible feeling V may be somewhat more moral than me. Who knows. Dunno if I will even get the chance to get to know him properly. I hope so.

Waiting

2010-07-06T00:29:00.001-07:00

I can stand this. V not accepted friend request yet. It's not looking good. I hate not knowing. I'd rather he told me he wasn't interested than I had no idea. I dont find it exciting. It's depressing. I already feel bad enough about myself much of the time. I dont need to feel worse as for whatever reason I've managed to repel him.

J got in touch yesterday. I should be happy. But to be honest I cant get excited about it. He says he misses spending time with me. In his words "I miss us going out and doing things together." Bullshit. We never did much but fuck. Apparently he misses cuddling till we fell asleep. I think he's just horny. Still - he could certainly take my mind off things.

Uncertain

2010-07-05T03:25:00.002-07:00

Went to see S last night as he was unexpectedly free. Was glad to be busy I have no idea if V, the hot guy will get in touch and until he does or it's been long enough that I can assume he's not interested I wont be able to stop thinking about it. I have no commitment to V, no idea if he wants to see me again and no idea who he is really, so I'm certainly not going to stop living my life how I have been unless it happens with him. Feel pretty pessimistic about him right now to be honest because he "couldn't remember" his number and told me to add him on Facebook. He did say he may not get on there till today but as of now he hasn't accepted it and I tend to think if you like someone you will act quickly. There are no mixed messages with men. Who knows. But I am an impatient person and he seems more laid back so maybe there's hope. God I want this, if only because I haven't met anyone new I like for ages. He kept saying he's at Slimes every week but you cant get to know someone properly there. Plus I wont be there for 11 days.

S was sweet last night. Jumped on me the minute he got off the phone to work when I arrived. He's getting adventurous - took off my underwear in living room. Had lovely time. He cooked and we relaxed, had sex and watched TV. Early night which was good as we were all cuddled up in bed. Woke up and had fun too. I left early as he had to get ready for work. Will be sad to end it but less so if I think I have a chance of something more serious with someone else.

Dreams

2010-07-04T04:13:00.000-07:00

I did it. Shat myself when the man I saw last week appeared last night. Asked him for a fag and spent the rest of the night talking and dancing with him. He is lovely, scared I wont see him again though. We had a kiss before I left and he seemed to like me, asked me to add him on Facebook. Said he probably wont be on there till tomorrow so I guess I have to wait. Want to arrange to see him during the week as I'm away next weekend. He is so bloody hot, watching him dance was such a turn on. Good kisser too and sweet, polite. Please let this be for real. I get so sick of false starts.

Hopeful

2010-07-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Deleted myself from those stupid online dating sites. Cancelled tomorrow's halfhearted attempt at a date. Going out later, fuck knows if the guy on my radar will actually be there. I may have hallucinated him - apparently I was so out of it (on drink) last week I could barely stand up. It's entirely possible he was a mirage. Or he's a troll and he only looked fit due to the unspecified amount of pills I had. Wish me luck. I may be home early clutching my cherry lambrini if all does not go to plan. At least a few people I know will be there, including a dominatrix I met on a shoot. I will be overjoyed if S turns up, but why would he? Just a text would do right now.

Online dating

2010-07-03T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hell. R persuaded me to join a few sites just to see whats out there. A whole lot of freaks, ugly old men and guys who just want sex. If all I wanted was a cock I could go do boy/girl porn and get paid for it too! Have already removed myself from one site and am seriously considering taking my profile down from the other one I joined. After the disaster with J from Kent I dont know why I thought it might work for me. I'm much more likely to click with someone I meet in person, and at least anyone I meet in Slimes will have common interests. Determined to go out later, although but scared I've built up this mystery man too much. Fuck it - I may as well enjoy it whilst I can, before I discover he's an idiot like the rest of them.

Told S we need to talk and typically he has yet to let me know when we can. "Next week" he said yesterday. I suggested Monday or Tuesday and he hasn't gotten back to me yet. Know he's working today and out tonight. Need to ask if he's seeing anyone else and make it clear if he actually wants to keep spending time with me I need more. I have a horrible feeling it could be over soon but I cant carry on as we are, it's doing me no good.

I'm meant to be going for a drink with some guy tomorrow night but I really cant work up any enthusiasm for it. Not a good sign.

One way love is just a fantasy

2010-06-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

Why do I bother? Went for drinks with A tonight. Was at pub near S so texted to see if I could pop in after. He's out. Got drunk and pissed off at him not wanting to see me so rang ex S. Mistake. Apparently I'm a sex addict. yeah right. Just cos I'm not fucked up over sex and dare to admit I want and need it thats a problem. Fuck him. Fuck them all. I look fucking hot and S is the one missing out by not rushing home and actually wanting to see me for a change. That's his lot. I'm done chasing. I mean it this time.

Mannequin

2010-06-29T03:18:00.001-07:00

Great weekend. Slimes is a drunken/pilled up blur although high points include -

Dancing with the hottest man I have seen for a while. He reminded me of S which must be why he caught my eye. Wish I had spoken to him. He had an undercut, dark hair tied up like S often does, was taller than me and had on a T shirt and either trousers or those long short things. God he was sexy. Remember going into smoking area and him being there too.

We left at 530 and now I wish we had stayed later so I could actually speak to him. It's encouraging that he danced with me though. It used to be so easy but I've gotten out of the habit of approaching new people.

Spent Sunday night with S which was lovely as usual. But I really cant wait around for him forever. Tempted to do Slimes again this Saturday in case my mystery man is there although what if he isn't. No idea how many pills I had but yesterday I felt a shift and I started to come down. Got irritable during a shoot which is bad. No matter.

Off to get hair blonded. :)

Nothing

2010-06-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well. S is busy tonight and I cant come. That makes me feel great. Fed up of this situation. I shouldn't bother at all but I dont want to end it. It wont change anything other than I wont have him at all. Drunk and need to go out and enjoy myself. Tomorrow night will be fun. I should pull someone new. Someone who fucking pays me some attention and appreciates me.

Last night

2010-06-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

It was intense. Went to S's and realised lying next to him after amazing sex that I really might have feelings for him. Slept badly as stressed over many things, tossed and turned until 5am which meant he was moody this morning. I left. I cant tell him. Am scared it's going to end up like with C. It's ended once cos he met another girl and I survived so that makes me reluctant to walk away. He is so good to me in so many ways it makes me wonder what we are doing but I know in my heart it wouldn't work if we were more serious. I'd have higher expectations and he isn't willing to make the extra effort to fulfill them. I know he cares but it's always his way, on his terms and I cant be in a relationship like that.

Why do I miss you?

2010-06-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Still think of JB sometimes. Not sure why - silly things remind me, like places I had shoots when we were together. Last time I texted I didn't get a response so I wont try again. It wont change anything. Maybe I'm just lonely. Joined a dating site. No luck yet but at least I'm trying. I've enjoyed looking after R's cat, will be sad to see him go home later.

Nasty

2010-06-18T23:26:00.000-07:00

I had the best dream last night. Just woke from a world where I was living back in Southampton with a guy. Cant really remember what he looked like but we had the nastiest dirtiest sex ever and I loved it. I wish that was a reality. Yes I have S and he's great but it's not a relationship and it's not dirty either. I realised last night that none of my actual boyfriends have been filthy enough for me. Maybe that's why I've cheated. JB was the closest to what I need but there wasn't enough of it because he was so ill.

Having tried online BDSM dating sites before and ending up with people only interested in sex that is way too rough for my liking I've decided maybe I should give online dating another go. I think maybe Alt.com or another alternative site. A normal site is never going to help me find someone I have too much in common with.

This is the first weekend in ages I've had completely to myself. Shame I dont have any money. I have R's cat for company but he doesn't talk much. Got a load of books and DVDs to amuse myself with, and my lawn has been mown so maybe I'll sit out there today. First I'll research online dating sites. I've resisted it for so long but it would be nice to meet someone new.

Gone

2010-06-12T19:33:00.000-07:00

So much has happened and only just got enough privacy to write about it. Had threesome with R and M, a guy she sleeps with. She got weirded out and left, I stayed as I was on a speed comedown and felt awful. Think she wasn't 100% comfortable and for upset but we sorted it a day later. It was HOT with M, good hard fuck but he's way too arrogant and I would rather stay friends with R so I wont see him again. Tonight R and I went out in Soho. Ended up in Candy Bar and she pulled some girl. It shouldn't bother me but it did, not sure why but I didnt like it. We went on to some awful club so I left in a hurry. Couldn't explain it so said I felt achy and tired and wanted to go home. I'm not usually jealous or possessive of friends so I suppose maybe we are more than that. I dont share well.

Update

2010-05-29T02:47:00.000-07:00

Lots to report. J out of the picture. S back in or at least for the time being. He begged me to come over the other night but I had plans with R so arranged to pop round tomorrow, even that is a struggle as he has other commitments that I cant come to. :( Going to C's birthday do tonight which means of course I'm thinking of last year when I met JB. He wont be there but am glad R is accompanying me anyway. Need to fuck someone.

Apology

2010-05-16T06:55:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't written for ages but my laptop broke and this isn't the kind of thing I can write in a public place. Not much has changed other than it looks like I wont be seeing J any more. All last week he was being weird, wouldn't commit to spending time with me and was quite moody. I went to meet him for lunch and he was grumpy, and I asked him if he would like to come over Saturday night only to be told he "wasn't sure what he wanted to do." We had an argument Friday night via text after I rung him and he told me he cant deal with me being like this because of "personal problems." He hasn't explained what these are but I told him I wont be made to feel like shit just because I want an answer when I ask him if he would like to see me. He's acting like I'm being unreasonable and I dont like it. I always knew he was immature but he's just being so selfish and inconsiderate. He messaged me on Facebook moaning that I put a status update saying I was fed of not being appreciated and I replied asking if he still wants to see me. No reply since yesterday morning so I guess thats it. I refuse to text and pester him as he will only get annoyed and I wont act desperate.

So I need to find someone to take his place. Someone younger preferably who wants to be my lover. Maybe its for the best anyway. I do wonder if he's being weird because he found out I slept with S, and if he cant handle me sleeping with other people it better we end it.

gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr

2010-04-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

Back so painful. Need katy. Had as many painkillers as I am allowed, ibuprofen gel and exercise. Today saw psychologist, then went into Camden to see my toyboy at work. Was nice but feel so shitty. Mentally pretty ok considering what I took Sunday. Must get sleep though. Pain pain go away. At A' s so will go back to bed soon.

R is lovely. I am so lucky to have a friend like her. :)

Want me baby

2010-04-05T17:16:00.001-07:00

What do I want though?

Fragile

2010-04-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

I feel shocking. J came over last night. We watched Equilibrium and drunk cider. I had 3 cans. 3 measly cans and today I'm hungover. Feel kind of sad today too, not sure why. Just keep feeling like I could burst into tears. Maybe this is my payback for having so much fun last night and this morning. The sex is still amazing with J and I do enjoy his company but I keep feeling guilty. I have made it perfectly clear that I do not want a relationship with him, but he keeps saying things which make me think he has feelings for me. I dont know. Maybe he's just a sweet person. Maybe I'm reading this wrong. I dont want to lead him on or hurt him but I dont want to end it. Maybe I'm just being selfish but right now I feel justified in holding on to any happiness I have. I'm certainly having more good days than bad lately but its when I stop I cant help but feel like I'm drifting. I think it's just being unemployed that's getting me down. Especially as it's hard to see when it will end.

STILL. It's bank holiday weekend and I'm determined to go out and blow the cobwebs away. I'm having the usual internal battle as to whether I should take drugs or not tonight. They certainly would improve the night but I'm so scared of feeling 10 times worse when I come down. BUT if I am going to feel this way regardless I may as well enjoy my night. Think I'll see how I am once we hit Slimes.

If you dont mind, my soul I'll bare....

2010-03-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Wonderful weekend with R - she's so sweet. Candy Bar where we got drunk and chatten to Texan dykes, then Slimes. Her ex was there so bit awkward. Got sold speed by mistake. Luckily realised after one line so tried to sneeze it out. Sunday just watched loads of DVDs at R's - so nice to just relax. Stayed over (borrowed her scrubs to wear in bed!) then got bus home Monday morning. Was so tired and felt like I was tripping. Haven't slept well since then as we watched a film about alien abduction that got into my head a bit. So nice to have a close female friend again. Got S (my ex, not the one who had the other woman) coming over soon so off to get food. Still fucking J although he really irritated me last week so am going out rather than staying in next time I see him. Hope he's more bearable when he's not in my space!

Osteopath

2010-03-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

Something really strange happened on Friday. I went to an osteopath and started crying in the middle of the treatment. I was fine with the female nurses but then a man (their trainer) came and and I found him creepy. Hard to tell if it was me being over paranoid or if he really was, but they were moving me about and I just couldn't handle it. I burst out into tears which freaked me out. The same thing happened during sex with J, although I wasn't scared then, just in pain with my back. I am depressed so maybe it's to be expected but I wish I could explain what sets me off as I think it worries people.

Heavy

2010-03-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

Went out last night with my sister and her friend. If they hadn't wanted to go I could have happily stayed in. Keep feeling really tight in my chest, like I cant catch my breath. I'm guessing it's an anxiety thing but I hate it. Makes me worried and scared. That cow of an ex-friend of mine was out last night. She needs to get a life. I have better friends who aren't completely insane but I cant help but feel hurt and confused at being essentially dumped when I haven't even done anything! Weird.

I'm enjoying this thing with J but he is an odd one. Begging to come over on Friday, texting me yesterday and then tonight he's been a bit short with me. I'm guessing he's with the girlfriend. No I dont give a shit. It's safer for me to fuck someone who is already taken and not interested in anything serious than to mess with peoples hearts.

Sore throat, achy and only one (and a smidgen) pills last night. This week doesn't look to be too busy so thats fine. I really hope I get a job soon. Not working is great in some respects but I'm skint and I dont think it's doing me any good having too much time alone to think. I try and keep myself busy but last night was a prime example of how I feel. Was in a club surrounded by people and I just didn't want to talk to any of them. I dont like being like that but no doubt things will improve. I am a lovely, confident sociable person and I am allowed to have off days occasionally.

Listening to Disintegration by The Cure. Maybe if I listen to music that makes me sad I can get rid of this feeling - it could be cathartic. Head hurts. Tomorrow is a new day. FUCKING S seems to have forgotten about me. Best for both of us probably, although a tiny part of me wanted him to be there last night so I could look hot in front of him.

Addict

2010-03-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

The more I have the more I want. Got fucked every which way I wanted last night. We watched Secretary too which of course gave me ideas. And today it's all I can think of. Just watched my new favourite clip - 2 hot chubby black girls playing - and got off numerous times. I do need a new job, if only to stop myself from causing some kind of clitoral damage due to over stimulation! Still - it's good to be enjoying myself. Had a few lows today - hangover from the weekend most probably. Damn brain chemicals. Was a bit unsettled as J stayed over unexpectedly. Kind of nice but it wasn't planned and I dont want to confuse the situation. Still - he's happy and so am I so whats the harm?

Birthday

2010-03-06T02:29:00.000-08:00

I heard back from S who IS is still seeing the other girl so I ended it, saying I dont want to be his friend. That was the day before my birthday. Quite upset, although it could have been a comedown from last weekend too. On a more cheerful note I had an amazing birthday with SC, an ex. We drank cava, had pizza, ate cake and watched Jennifers Body which was BRILLIANT. Megan Fox and Amanda Seigfreyd are gorgeous. Keep getting tightness in my chest which I suspect is anxiety. Freaked out at Victoria station as I couldn't find my Oyster card! Didnt sleep much at SC's so yesterday I was really panicky and felt awful. Have felt ill all week so am hoping I feel better later as I'm going to Slimes and the pub. My back and hips are very sore. I feel pretty terrible actually. Sun is shining though and hopefully tonight will go with a bang. I sent out reminders on Fbook to everyone I invited, forgetting that S was on the list. He replied saying he will be there (not sure if he means pub or Slimes) as it is "Jim's birthday." Kind of pleased but I'd rather not see him. Fuck it - I'll just have to look my most fabulous and not get sucked back in. He's hardly irresistable.

Million miles

2010-03-02T17:57:00.000-08:00

2 men let me down today. S said he will be busy with work tonight. I'm busy for the rest of the week and sick of waiting so I asked him if he is still seeing the other girl. No reply. Either he is and doesn't want to tell me or he doesn't know what to say. It's driving me up the wall and I would rather speak to him in person but I have no idea when or indeed if that will be possible in the near future. J now has to work on Thursday so I wont see him on my birthday. I'm not overly upset at that as I dont want him getting to attached to me, but it's annoyed me nonetheless. I should stay positive but it doesn't look good with S. I'd rather know sooner than later. Texted again just before 12 asking if he received the first one. No reply. This isn't fair. I know it hasn't worked out with us before but I cant ignore how I feel when I'm around him. Maybe he does just think I'm mad.

Must stay positive. R being lovely. We're going to see the new Alice in Wonderland film Monday. I'm so lucky to have her as a friend.

Meow

2010-02-28T12:29:00.000-08:00

Had some last night. Good night but only got 3 hours sleep so am emotional and tired today. Keep almost crying. Hopefully seeing S Tuesday. Very nervous. If I lose him it's not the end of the world.

No operation necessary

2010-02-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Went into hospital and they found on a ultrasound that one cyst has gone and the other one has shrunk, so I dont need the op! What a relief. Spoke to JB who was being a knob. Why do I bother? I always end up feeling bad as I dont remember him being such an idiot, dont know what his problem is but I wont try again. S busy, hoping to see him soon as I need to check if he is still seeing the other girl. If so I will end it.

I'm famous

2010-02-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

Just found this - http://www.yourchoice.co.uk/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=13978&ad=bgafd.list&r=1968

If you scroll down you will see 'Monica and John from Bracknell'!!! That's one of the boy/girl shoots I did with an ex. How funny! I remember he was meant to cum on my tits but hit me in the face instead by mistake!! In other news - having operation to remove ovarian cysts tomorrow. Shitting myself.

Sickness

2010-02-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

Feel ill. Got reminded of JB today. Some stupid thing on Facebook that tells you who your biggest fans are (does that mean who looks at my page the most, I wonder?) and he was in the top 5. Interesting as we haven't spoken since New Years Eve I think. I gave up as it became too hard for me. Just wish I did have someone to take care of me right now though. S doesn't give a shit.

My playground, Torture Garden

2010-02-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

TG last night was fun but I wasn't in the most outgoing or sociable mood. Was slightly put out that B didn't want to stay over afterwards but also glad as it meant I could do whatever I liked, although didn't really spot anyone I fancied. Went into couples room with a friend and got so frustrated watching everyone else get off that we ended up fooling around. Left at 5am feeling empty and sad as it seemed like the rest of the world was part of a couple. S is not acknowledging that it is Valentines Day, not that he has to do anything. Apparently he's spending this weekend writing and working. I fucking hope he hasn't spent today with the other woman. My blood boils at the thought of it. He needs to make up his mind. I must be strong and not sleep with him again. He's not a bastard but I'm just sick of ending up in situations like this. Stupidly texted him when drunk last night saying something like I wished I was going back to his after TG. No reply. Fuck it.

In light of all this I have spent today being self indulgent as no other bugger is going to do it for me. Cooking a fry up for dinner. Have fags and chocolate. All thats missing is katy.

Happiness seems to be loneliness

2010-02-12T17:03:00.001-08:00

Went out tonight to avoid sitting around at home thinking about the situation with S. Came home feeling pretty empty. I tried. TG tomorrow night. Spent last Sunday night with S and told him he needs to make up his mind. I am willing to try a relationship, just me and him if he wants, but I cant keep fucking him when he is seeing someone as he cant handle it and I dont want this with him as it will only fuck me up in the end. Why did he have to go and spoil it by meeting someone else? Before that I didnt even want anything more serious - now I feel I have to define whats going on between us before it blows up in my face and I end up more hurt that I was with C. Going to bed. Hope I have shaken the cloud thats been over me all day by the morning.

Sentimental value

2010-02-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

I am doing something really scary. I'm going to post S a Valentines card. It'll be unsigned but I figure I have nothing to lose now other than his friendship. If he doesn't want me then he may not want me as a friend either, which will just make it easier on me in the long run.

Felt as if I was being dragged down today. Hate it. My back aches so much and I feel like I'm walking funny. Head hurts too so am getting an earlyish night in the hopes I'll be in better shape tomorrow. I caved and bought fags which taste awful, confirming that I am indeed getting a cold.

Really hope I do get to see S on Sunday. Today I remembered him saying if I fell asleep on his couch he would carry me to bed. If this other girl is so special then I'd rather know now.

Timing

2010-02-03T14:33:00.001-08:00

Felt quite down today. Nothing in particular. Back is aching and I just felt a bit listless. Went for a walk and cooked myself a lovely dinner, but almost started crying a few times this evening. Watched Dirty Dancing and that set me off. I felt so empty that I posted on Facebook that I could do with a hug and a bath, and S rang a few minutes after that. It could have been coincidence. I texted to say I'm free Sunday if he would like to see me, but it was perfect timing. I do hope I get to see him, as if I dont we wont be able to spend any time together for 2 and a half weeks. I'm away next week and then he's off to Derbyshire. Yes, I know. When he told me he wanted us to 'just be friends' I thought I should get some distance and not spend time with him as it will make it harder, but I'm scared that if I drop out of his life he will forget about me and I'll miss my chance, like I did with C when I couldn't tell him how I felt.

Need cigarette. Not going to buy any until Friday though as I've a weekend of partying planned. Let's just hope I can find chemicals, otherwise I may give Slimes a miss. I may go anyway though just to prove I can do it sober, plus I could really do with getting laid. Maybe.

Drug of choice

2010-01-31T14:01:00.000-08:00

Made the mistake of going through an old diary today and found entries from 2 years ago, when I met S. I knew then that he was special to me, after only a few weeks. Texted him. All I can do is maintain a friendship and hope that it doesn't work out with the other girl. BUT this weekend was amazing. I fucked 2 very different men in very different ways and loved it. Last night's boy was cute and it was interesting being in control for a change, just wish I could remember more as I'd had a lot to drink. Still - he wasn't a cunt this morning, although I left before we could talk. No point pretending its something its not. I do remember fucking in the kitchen and fooling around a lot before that. Fucked in the living room with R on the sofa dozing earlier! He had a decent sized cock too, yummy. I'm seriously thinking that a local, younger lover could be the way forward.

CCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEE. Oh yes. No katy so I'm all fuzzy with painkillers. VERY tired too which adds to the effect. Nice to know I can get a buzz off something so cheap and legal. Saturday morning was odd with B. I actually wanted to kick him out as soon as I got up. It just felt weird having to entertain him. He's great but it's not like with S - I dont get that tingle when I know I'm going to see him.

I am a goddess

2010-01-31T11:04:00.001-08:00

Had sex with no less than 2 men in 24 hours this weekend. Friday went out with B, a fuck buddy. Had a great night and he left me yesterday morning. Went round to another model's house for a party and fucked a hot 19 year old who is in her husbands band. Was odd as he was quite sub but he said he had never cum with the girl on top before which is quite an achievement. Left earlier feeling better than I have for weeks. I am on fire. Maybe I should get a younger lover - they're eager to please and have lots of energy. Worth thinking about.

C**nts, the lot of them

2010-01-26T01:48:00.000-08:00

I really hope S feels this as much as I am. All I can think about is why does this always happen to me? I get passed over for some other idiot who is better 'girlfriend' material. Maybe he will realise how good he had it when he spends time with her and its not as much fun. When they fuck and its not the same. When he wakes up with her and wishes it were me. I wish I could just give up and forget but there's a part of me that doesn't think this is the end for us as over 2 years we have always ended up seeing each other again. Going for lunch with a friend today - kind of a date I suppose.

Loss

2010-01-25T04:54:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I'd had all my bad luck, I get more. Went to S's yesterday. Thought something was up with him and decided to have a proper chat about whats going on between us. He said he feels too bad seeing this other girl too and wants to see what happens with her, so we have to stop sleeping together. I knew this was coming. He's too much of a nice guy to have 2 girls on the go at once. Not like me. I'd see both until I knew for sure. I'm guessing the other girl (25 years old, by the way) is a safe bet. Dull, boring, possibly dumpy with brown hair and definitely shit in bed. I dont think he realises how much he will miss me.

It's taken 2 years to get so comfortable with each other and last night I was sad knowing that it wont be the same. He wants to still hang out as friends but again I think he underestimates how hard that will be. Ever since we met we have had a sexual relationship so it will be odd to lose that. I couldn't wish him luck with the other girl. But from past experience I know he's not a good boyfriend. So hopefully it wont last long, unless she is some pathetic mug who puts up with someone who makes no effort. He did seem upset too. If I wanted to be a complete bitch I'd try and sleep with one of his friends, but I dont know of any, plus it's a low move. Earlier I fantasised about talking to the other girl and warning her off but that would just make me look mad and to be honest, I know I just liked having him always there for me. Maybe I wasn't being fair on him, not letting him move on and meet someone he could have a proper relationship with.

This morning was hard. But I'm better off not seeing him if its going to be like the past few weeks, with me getting annoyed as it seems like he cant find time for me.

Would be strange again if it means you'd love me

2010-01-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

Just spoke to parents on the phone. Big mistake. They cant seem to understand that maybe all I need right now is for them to talk to me with a bit of sensitivity. Mum pissed me off by trying to tell me what to do - I've already done everything I can to try and get this operation sorted out, and I can do without her "helpful suggestions" as I've got my own stuff to do without feeling pressure to take more on. Dad was clearly drunk and rude the minute he got on the phone so I told him to fuck off and hung up. I know they care but they have no idea what my life is like and I resent them ruining what has otherwise been a nice relaxing evening. I already feel crap enough about myself. I can do without being criticised because I'm not all sweetness and light right now. Funnily enough I'm tired, achy and in pain most of the time which means occasionally I get irritable, especially when people who actually have no real concept of what my life is like try to get involved in it and make assumptions about me.

This is why I could never go back and live at home. In other news, no word from S. I give up. We spoke yesterday and no doubt at some point in the future he may get in touch but for now I give up. He knows where I am and he knows I'd like to spend some time with him. I'm damned if I'm going to set myself up for more hurt and keep contacting him like some idiot. If he likes me he will make time for me. In his world it's probably pefectly acceptable to just text once in a while and get together once or twice a month. But in mine it is not, especially right now when I could do with being around people who care about me more than ever.

For all my faults, at least I am honest. I am well aware that it's not fair to take my bad moods out on others, but if I pretend it's all OK when it's not that cant be healthy.

Tomorrow's a new day. Just because my dad chose to be an asshole tonight does not mean I have to let him upset me. I had no idea Mum had had bad news about our elderly relatives when I let rip on her. I'll bloody well apologise when I'm good and ready. Need cigarette now.

Decisions

2010-01-16T07:52:00.000-08:00

Last week was pretty harsh, so as a pick me up I dropped into see a guy who I used to sleep with at his work. The inevitable happened and we kissed, and now he wants us to meet up. Nice of him to bother with a date. I'm undecided as to whether I should just have some fun with him or not. I dont need to ask S for permission but I may tell him when I next see him, see what his reaction is. All the old things that used to piss me off about him are rearing their ugly head. He's great when we are together but I dont like being ignored and even as a friend I would expect anyone to at least acknowledge it if I text them. It may sound pathetic and I know I just feel bad at the moment in general, but I refuse to have even a casual thing with anyone who cant even be bothered to check in with me once in a while, it's just polite. Will see how it goes but this is why I'm ambivalent about committing to S, because I cant be with someone who doesnt seem to have time for me. If I like someone I make time for them, doesn't matter how busy my life is.

So I'll probably go out with J. Even though he's too young for me to consider him as an actual partner. Been there, done that. I deserve to have as much fun as possible right now, what with losing my job and M's death. I wont give in and let depression take over, although it is a struggle some days.

Going to the disco later. Cannot WAIT.

Changes

2010-01-11T14:25:00.000-08:00

I should change the name of this blog to 'a catalogue of disasters' . What the hell has my life turned into? Why on earth does sex have to get in the way of any relationship (be that friend, colleague, whatever) I try and form? It's not all me, I know that much. Good old sex. So sore today - all across my hips, back and upper thighs. A good night's sleep would help, as would a hug and bath. Neither of which are forthcoming. I have had too much chocolate and some codeine so will hopefully start to at least feel fuzzy enough to not care soon.

Still - work good despite feeling terrible in body. Forgot what the Monday blues felt like. Must be good must be good must be good. At least until I'm stronger. S rang me last night, a nice surprise. I just hope I'm not wasting time but you know what? If I'm going to waste time on a man I'd rather it be him than anyone else right now. At least I know where I stand, even if he's not always as present as I may need, although I think it's my mind making me lonely more than any actual events. I dont think of myself as a needy or dependent person. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when people dont notice or seem to care when I would like them to. I cant ask for it.

Enough introspection. Keep chugging along. Weekend looks to be a good un as long as my sis doesn't cancel on me. A little too much me doesnt make me a nice person.