Pain and suffering

So I'm back here again. Feeling sore, stressed, anxious, tired and pissed off (largely with myself). I am at S's attempting to apply for jobs but getting to the point where I feel like saying fuck it - go to Devon, sort my head out and take some time off. I cant think straight and keep getting annoyed at myself as I know I can do better than this. I know that I need to get a job if I want to stay in London. I want to stay with S. So I must get a job. But every time I sit down in front of the laptop (which by the way is fucking painful) I get all scared. I keep reading through job descriptions and feeling inadequate. Yes life is hard and yes I should just "man up" (as S says) but it isn't that easy when you feel depressed. I always pitied those who gave in to depression and didn't fight it but I'm at the point where I just dont care any more.

I hate feeling like this. Stupid and slow and awkward. I dont want to let S or G down and most of all myself as I know I'll feel better about myself if I get a job and stay. But will things be better? What if I get a job, cant cope with it, fail and then feel worse?

On another note, S's party was interesting. It was good to see him enjoy himself but I found it hard as I was making a real effort not to follow him around and consequently ended up feeling shy and unable to talk to people. I couldn't stand seeing all these other women flirting with him. Made me so angry and I was scared of making an ass of myself so I left early. He brought people back home for a party at some point on Sunday and again I ended up feeling jealous. His bloody hairdresser is a gorgeous girl and she kept saying she would do a dance for him. Maybe she just has a flirtatious nature but it makes me wonder. Has he slept with many of his female friends? I know what I'm like so I suppose I presume he is the same. I probably just feel this way as I've lost some confidence in myself lately.

Better go have some lunch. Wish there was a confidence tablet I could take. Or a pill to make me happier, more productive and able to cope with life in general.