Time for a change

Just realised that the title of this blog is almost obsolete. I will be 30 next year and whilst still a whore I am out of the sex industry. For at least as long as it takes for me to find another job. Last Saturday I went to a party at a friends. Was pretty good fun but I was determined to go out and have a dance and headed to Slimes afterwards. Barely remember a thing but all I do know is I had maddy. Whoopsy daisy. Remember dancing like a mad thing with no shoes on. A bouncer came up and insisted I drunk water which confused me as I didn't think I was that wasted. Afterpartied and instantly regretted the drugs. Someone I slept with ages ago (nice enough guy but not to be trusted) kept paying me loads of attention but I stopped it at a kiss and left on Sunday afternoon. On the tube journey home I started to get all anxious and annoyed at myself so I went to S's. He dealt with it well but I felt awful for dumping myself on him. I mainly slept and the whole incident made me realise I should move away. I'm not going to look on it as running away as I have done my best here. Financially it would make no sense for me to stay and I cant handle the stress and pressure I am under. I've lost so much confidence in myself that this week I have barely left the house and keep getting wound up as I cant do anything.

A massive part of me was hoping that when I told S I was thinking of moving away it would force him to make more of a commitment to me, but I'm realistic enough to know that probably wont happen. I've been here before. I've invested time and emotion into men who either just dont feel the same way as I do or dont want the same things and I cant do it again. Have been in tears on and off all week as I'll miss so much about this city but my health is more important than anything and if I stay I really dont know how it will be possible for me to stop taking naughty chemicals. I dont consider myself an addict but I certainly like to have fun way too often.

This blog has ended up being so much more about my personal life than professional. Maybe I've been too honest and I'm sure people will judge me, but I cant be any other way. I have loved most of my career as a porn star but I know I am capable of so much more (no disrespect to anyone) and it isn't sustainable for me unless I up my levels. So I must move on. I am not running away, I am doing the sensible thing for once. Even though I dont feel it right now I know I am an intelligent talented girl and I must be capable of holding down a 'real world' job.

I am so scared of being lonely. I moved back to Southampton after uni because I thought I'd be best placed to be happy there and look what happened - I grew a bit too partial to the fast powder. I'm sure there will be some temptations in the West Country but I'm guessing less than here. I'll have to work at making friends there too, but maybe that's a good thing. I often dont make the effort with people enough. Mum says "there's more to life than partying" which of course I know is true, but I've spent so much time being unhappy that I'll admit I will usually choose whatever is the most fun.

Enough navel gazing. I have great friends who I can stay in contact with. My family may be annoying at times but I dont know what I would do without them. I'm nervous about losing my privacy but there are ways around that. At the moment my plan is to stay with the parents until I can save up enough money to move to Brighton. But we will see what happens. So wish me luck, dear reader (if there are any out there!). I'm going to try and keep this updated but it may prove difficult.