Had a horrendous few weeks. Ran away to Mum and Dad's for a few days and allowed myself to get talked into moving there. Just been down, anxious and generally feeling like I'm going insane. S thinks its the drugs. Probably. I tend to think I'd be like that anyway. But I know they dont help (as The Verve said "they just make you worse"). Went over to see him last night. Felt like such a shit. Couldn't keep my mind on anything and barely spoke to him. Fuck knows what he thought. Sex was even an effort. He thinks I should have a sober month and then decide what to do. If I stay here I need to get a job. Spoke to a friend who said I shouldnt be so worried about money but it's horrible having what little I have all go on bills. I'm sick of struggling. Mum and Dad think I'll find it impossible to get a job here with my work record. Cheers for the encouragement! So basically I'm fucked. Wish I hadn't throw away that k now. Chucked it down the toilet as a symbolic gesture. Should have sold it but not sure who would want it.
On a more positive note S was lovely today although I feel he didn't know what to do with me. Let's just hope he thinks I'm having a bad time and allows for that. He said dont stay for him. I wouldn't be. I just want to be happy and I'm not sure I can be happy living at my parents, although it would be a sensible option.
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