The way that I love you

Its happened. I got a job. Was happy until S said I shouldn't pay him rent but save the cash for my own place. After all this he thinks I can just move out and we can go back to seeing eachother one maybe twice a week. He wont even consider the possibility that we could permanently live together as "he needs his own space." So do I but the obvious solution would be for us to live together here without G or get our own place. I cant force him to love me the same way I love him and I cant make him want the same things I do.

If he wants me to move out thats it for me. Its so painful to be with someone you know doesnt want you the same way you want them. It hurts too much and I've compromised enough. He keeps saying that this was always the plan like I'm some idiot for thinking it means something that things had gotten more serious between us. Too upset right now to know what I should do.

Illusions

Had a horrible week. Been very down as my new job didn't work out and I can tell S is stressed about work. Had a few arguments and last night he was meant to be going to a party and didnt want me to come which caused another one. I have been really low and to be honest could do with cheering up and it makes me very sad that he rarely includes me in anything he does with friends. I hate having to beg for his time or attention and usually I dont but I dont get what the problem is with me coming to some houseparty with him. I'm happy to go off and talk to people and dont need a babysitter. Just another case of his being completely and utterly selfish. His excuse was "I spent last night at home with you, I never go out anymore, I need some space (lies)." Like I should be grateful when he throws me a fucking bone. Yes it does upset me that the man I share a bed with, who I live with and who says he "cares deeply" about me acts like he doesnt want me around. I dont begrudge him having a night out with friends but he knows I've been a mess this week and I get sick of never doing anything together other than watching TV and eating. I would have loved to spend New Years Eve with him but didn't complain when he said he was going to a private party even though it hurt me.

He was so quick to say "maybe this isn't working" last night that it just makes me think maybe he really doesnt care that much. Maybe this is a waste of time and maybe he doesnt really want me at all. After the argument he went all quiet and then to top it off I accidentally split a cup of tea on him and he went crazy. I hate the fact that he hurts me all the time, he makes me feel like shit when he's dismissive, unattentive and rude to me and I SAY NOTHING because I know he doesn't mean to and that he is a good man, just caught up in his own life. I say nothing when he doesn't appreciate things I do and can only find fault with them. I say nothing but the minute he's upset about something I've done it becomes a huge issue. Maybe I have a thicker skin than him but I cant help but get annoyed when he says things like I am cramping his style, like I should feel privileged that he spends any time with me because I know there's nothing wrong with me. I know plenty of men who would love to be my boyfriend and treat me like a queen.

Went to bed early to "give him some space". Was asking him for some reassurance as I know myself and now I'll just be paranoid he's trying to find a way to get out of this, whatever it is. 99.9% of the time he makes me so happy that all the other shit doesn't matter and I dont want to throw away what is actually a very good relationship after a few bad weeks. We rarely argue, its just lately as I've been down and he's stressed.

Woke up today and went to cuddle him ans as usual he's rubbish first thing and just wants to sleep. Will see how he is today but I know I'll be able to tell if he doesnt want me anymore. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME that I choose these selfish unavailable men. What makes this doubly sad is that when we first met he wanted a relationship with me and I ended it twice. A lot has happened since then but if he cant just get over it and appreciate me then maybe we shouldnt be together.

I dont mean that but I wont be with someone who expects everything to revolve around them, its unfair and I wont put up with it. He is wonderful most of time and I rarely have to ask him for anything, I just wish he would wake up and see how lucky he is to have me and not treat me like I'm just in the way.

Fake facebook page

Crunch time

Space

Dont know what's wrong with me but today I just wish I could climb out of my own skin and start again as someone else. On that note I feel I should list my good qualities, otherwise I may well go insane.

I am kind
I am helpful
People seem to like the way I look
Fairly good figure
Intelligent (although I have to say I do not feel it right now)
Loyal to a fault
Good in bed
I can cook

Overall I am really not that bad. Must try not to spend tomorrow in tears.

Must be kinder to self

Must not sit and home beating self up. Foolish Monica.

Pain and suffering

So I'm back here again. Feeling sore, stressed, anxious, tired and pissed off (largely with myself). I am at S's attempting to apply for jobs but getting to the point where I feel like saying fuck it - go to Devon, sort my head out and take some time off. I cant think straight and keep getting annoyed at myself as I know I can do better than this. I know that I need to get a job if I want to stay in London. I want to stay with S. So I must get a job. But every time I sit down in front of the laptop (which by the way is fucking painful) I get all scared. I keep reading through job descriptions and feeling inadequate. Yes life is hard and yes I should just "man up" (as S says) but it isn't that easy when you feel depressed. I always pitied those who gave in to depression and didn't fight it but I'm at the point where I just dont care any more.

I hate feeling like this. Stupid and slow and awkward. I dont want to let S or G down and most of all myself as I know I'll feel better about myself if I get a job and stay. But will things be better? What if I get a job, cant cope with it, fail and then feel worse?

On another note, S's party was interesting. It was good to see him enjoy himself but I found it hard as I was making a real effort not to follow him around and consequently ended up feeling shy and unable to talk to people. I couldn't stand seeing all these other women flirting with him. Made me so angry and I was scared of making an ass of myself so I left early. He brought people back home for a party at some point on Sunday and again I ended up feeling jealous. His bloody hairdresser is a gorgeous girl and she kept saying she would do a dance for him. Maybe she just has a flirtatious nature but it makes me wonder. Has he slept with many of his female friends? I know what I'm like so I suppose I presume he is the same. I probably just feel this way as I've lost some confidence in myself lately.

Better go have some lunch. Wish there was a confidence tablet I could take. Or a pill to make me happier, more productive and able to cope with life in general.